I believe that any day I spend in any form of guilt, shame, fear or anger is a non-living day. At the end of my life if I were to add up all the days I've spent being afraid, angry or guilty, I will find that I missed a big chunk of living. They might write on my tombstone "He missed it."
Living in the present moment is impossible if I'm angry about what someone did to me in the past, even if the past was just a minute ago. The same goes for being afraid about what might happen tomorrow. Guilt about what I did 30 years ago will pollute the present until I bring it to the light of day. The steps helps me do just that.
I can pretend I'm not angry or afraid or guilty by putting on a happy face. Given enough time, sooner or later the cause of my upset might go away -- sinking into my subconscious, but it does not disappear. Instead the voices wake me up at 4:00 in the morning. The "don't they know who you are" indignant voice, the "your gonna get it now" critical parent voice and the "you are a worthless piece of crap" voice of self loathing.
I perfect my character defects in an attempt to hide from you the fact that I am carrying around this guilt, fear and anger. I isolate, I blow up over trifles, I live my life trying to get your approval, I create drama to get "poor me" your pity, I try to control every aspect of my life and yours, The list goes on ad infinitum. Without any real
peace in my heart, how can I expect there to be peace in the world?
I no longer want to live this way. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I no longer want to give away my serenity and the chance to experience the beauty of each moment. Fortunately AA has given me some tools to help me let go of guilt, fear and anger. Of all the tools the two most important to me are acceptance and forgiveness, but I must choose whether or not I want to pick up these tools.
It helps me to accept when I remember that everything happens to me to teach me, not to punish me. When I finally learn the lesson, I no longer have to have the experience again, but the lessons will keep coming until I learn.
Face Everything And Recover
When I first got sober there is an old timer who was a regular at one of the meetings I attended. He used to call problems "AFGO's." "I'm having an AFGO," he would say. Another F**king Growth Opportunity. I'm coming to see this truth -- that problems are really opportunities to grow in disguise. The problems I have in my life today are present to wake me up, not to punish me.
Health, finances, job, relationships, you name it, I've had my share of problems in every aspect of life. Like the game "Smash the Gopher," just when I think I have one problem solved, another pops up. I'm learning that thinking I can create a problem-free life is childish fantasy. No matter how good my life gets, someone will always come along and spill gravy on my new carpeting.
Before Alcoholics Anonymous, I tried to solve problems by drinking at them, sweeping them under my mental carpet, thinking that in time they would go away. I actually believed, "Time heals all wounds." Today I think this adage is a bunch of BS. Just like my character defects, my problems don't go away by themselves, they just show up in a different costumes. I cannot out run my problems anymore than I can out run my shadow. The problem grows and grows and gets more painful and more painful until I finally have no choice but to turn around and face it.
Problems are in my life for my highest and best good, but I only grow if I'm willing to walk through a problem, not avoid it, ignore it, or dance around it. Every time I get to the other side of a problem, my faith is just a little bit stronger. Every time I stand up to my ego, my ego becomes just a little bit weaker. It takes courage to walk through the dark tunnel of fear and face problems head-on. The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous gives me the courage to walk through my problems. By watching you walk through your problems, I learned I could too.
Is being an alcoholic a problem? I suppose if you asked, most "normies" would say that being an alcoholic is a problem. I see my alcoholism differently. Without having this disease that was going to kill me, there is no way I would've been willing to take the actions suggested by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then the beautiful promises of our program would be nothing more than a pipe dreams. I'm grateful to be an alcoholic.
Health, finances, job, relationships, you name it, I've had my share of problems in every aspect of life. Like the game "Smash the Gopher," just when I think I have one problem solved, another pops up. I'm learning that thinking I can create a problem-free life is childish fantasy. No matter how good my life gets, someone will always come along and spill gravy on my new carpeting.
Before Alcoholics Anonymous, I tried to solve problems by drinking at them, sweeping them under my mental carpet, thinking that in time they would go away. I actually believed, "Time heals all wounds." Today I think this adage is a bunch of BS. Just like my character defects, my problems don't go away by themselves, they just show up in a different costumes. I cannot out run my problems anymore than I can out run my shadow. The problem grows and grows and gets more painful and more painful until I finally have no choice but to turn around and face it.
Problems are in my life for my highest and best good, but I only grow if I'm willing to walk through a problem, not avoid it, ignore it, or dance around it. Every time I get to the other side of a problem, my faith is just a little bit stronger. Every time I stand up to my ego, my ego becomes just a little bit weaker. It takes courage to walk through the dark tunnel of fear and face problems head-on. The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous gives me the courage to walk through my problems. By watching you walk through your problems, I learned I could too.
Is being an alcoholic a problem? I suppose if you asked, most "normies" would say that being an alcoholic is a problem. I see my alcoholism differently. Without having this disease that was going to kill me, there is no way I would've been willing to take the actions suggested by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then the beautiful promises of our program would be nothing more than a pipe dreams. I'm grateful to be an alcoholic.
Back to the Future
I'm in the car featured in Back to the Future, but I'm not driving, Spirit is. As I travel backwards in time I leave all the sadness, anger, and fear behind. I unlearn all the old ideas that keep me chained to self. One by one my moldy beliefs fall away. Finally, I return to the innocence of childhood. The spontaneous joy, the freedom, the aliveness that Life fully intends itself to be. I run and play with abandon. I eat freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and sticky sweet slices of bright red watermelon. I see how far I can spit out the seeds. I color outside the lines and make sloppy mud pies. I don't try to be special because I know I already am. I'm filled with delight. I love freely, deeply, equally.
Spirit drives me to remain in AA. I think that I am choosing to go to the meetings, that I am choosing to work the steps and I am choosing to put my hand out to other alcoholics, but it isn't me. It is Spirit gently pulling me in the direction of my highest and best good. Left to my own devices, I'd still be sitting alone in my dirty darkened apartment drinking cheap red wine, smoking pot and watching stupid television programs day in and day out. Spirit has always been there parked at the curb, motor running, waiting patiently for me to come to the end of my rope. Fortunately, I was graced with the disease of alcoholism. My life became so painful I had no other choice but to let go and let God. It's been a great ride.
Spirit drives me to remain in AA. I think that I am choosing to go to the meetings, that I am choosing to work the steps and I am choosing to put my hand out to other alcoholics, but it isn't me. It is Spirit gently pulling me in the direction of my highest and best good. Left to my own devices, I'd still be sitting alone in my dirty darkened apartment drinking cheap red wine, smoking pot and watching stupid television programs day in and day out. Spirit has always been there parked at the curb, motor running, waiting patiently for me to come to the end of my rope. Fortunately, I was graced with the disease of alcoholism. My life became so painful I had no other choice but to let go and let God. It's been a great ride.
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