Then and Now

About one year before I got sober, I flew from California to Florida every other weekend to be with my parents while my mother was dying of late-stage cancer. I made five or six trips before my father ended her suffering and took his own life. It’s no coincidence my sobriety date is exactly one year to the day from the date they died. Today my beautiful young Chinese wife lies in a hospital bed slowly recovering from her sixth major cancer surgery in the past fifteen years. When I compare how I handled my mother’s sickness while still drinking to how I am handling my wife’s health challenge today, it’s clear my whole attitude and outlook has changed.

Seventeen years ago, with no spiritual center, I was terrified of death. I worried about painful long term illness. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous I am now connected with God of my own understanding. I have come to believe that only the body dies, that death is nothing more than a continuation of life in a different form. And as far as extended illness goes, I have seen so many of you walk through so much physical and emotional pain without a drink, that I just know I can too as long as I stay close to the program.

I remember during one my trips to Florida during my mother’s last days. I sat up all night by her bedside and killed most of a fifth of cognac until I passed out in the chair. I just didn’t want to feel anything. It’s equally as hard to see my wife suffer for days on end, but I haven’t once had the thought to run. I consider it an honor to walk through this difficult time with her. I look forward to showing up at her bedside this afternoon sober, being of service where I can and helping her stay positive. The contrast between the way I was then and the way I am now amazes even me.